| what is right. |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|03:20 pm] |
she sat in the purple chair next to me and said, "so tell me what happened."
i said, "okay, ill try and make a long story short."
she said, "no, i want the long and full version."
we sat there for close to two hours. i gave her details and examples of how i felt that i was taken advantage of and i how i was well aware of what was going on. i told her how i wasnt "that guy". the kind of guy who is easily manipulated.
she said, "you know you once told me how you shouldnt have to make excuses for someones behavior."
i said, "i know."
she said, "and you also told me once how just because someone is nice to you only a few days out of the month doesnt make them a good person."
i said, "i know."
"so what happened?"
i said, "i just wanted to believe in someone that everyone else had given up on."
and that was the absolute truth. but if you havent been there, then you dont know. its not a "project" to believe in someone and yes, some of us do actually find love within the tortured throw-away artists and not all of us are out to "save someone". some of us find a spark, a light and a brilliance in another person that outshine all the dull and boring who came before them. sometimes that person is rational and sane... sometimes not.
and while we cant control what we find attractive, we can at least be aware of our surroundings. yes, i will fully admit that i was taken advantage of. because i believed that one day my feelings would be reciprocated. that one day she would look at me how i looked at her. and that one day, i would have the opportunity to see her become the resilient woman that no one believed she could ever be.
but there is a truth in the collective mass. while not exclusive, when most of the people you trust, whose opinions you trust, tell you that that just because it shines doesnt mean its gold... well, we should give their words some credence. i trust my friends collective word. my faith in someone blinded me from what everyone was screaming in my ears. but thats fine. i dont regret the time i spent believing in someone. yes, i was wrong in the end, but you know what... thats fine. i dont regret the kisses that she didnt deserve or the attention, support or affection. nope. what i do regret is how they could have been spent on someone more deserving. and what i have come to realize is that if someone is an asshole to you 27 days out of the month, its because they are just an asshole.
so many of us make excuses for the people we love. i have done it more than i would care to admit. and do i feel like a fool? well sure. but at least i know my intentions were good. and i have learned that when we make excuses for people, it is us lying to ourselves. its us wanting to believe the image and the fantasy. its us trying to hold on to the facade they were in the beginning. theres nothing wrong with being fooled... but if we hold on while fully aware of being taken advantage of, well then we simply become the fool.
if you feel like a fool, if your trusted friends are all telling you the same thing and if you feel as if you're being taken advantage of, you probably are.
yes, it will be painful when you walk away.
yes, you will cry and it will feel like the dark walls are closing in.
yes, you will think how you will never love anyone as much as you loved them.
yes, you will secretly wish to wake up from a text from them.
but we know whats right. and more importantly, we know whats right for us.
we know that walking away is the right thing.
we know that ignoring the texts is the right thing.
we know that not reading their blogs is the right thing.
we know that crying is healthy.
we know we said we would never love anyone as much as we loved the last person before them and before them and before them.
and we know we deserve someone who treats us well more days than not.
and we know we are better than this.
and we know that once we realize this, we will attract the kind of people who will appreciate our love.
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| trouble loves me. |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|03:20 am] |
why is it that nature is set up in such a perfect and predictable manner?
like how tides are determined by the moon, how after millions of years there are almost equal males and females and how just when you start to genuinely move on after the end of relationship you can count on one day looking down at your incoming text box to a text message from your ex? as if nature says, "woah, wait a minute there, lil buddy. you didnt think it was going to be THAT easy, now did you?"
you may have noticed i havent been posting much lately. what seems to baffle so many people is that they cant seem to comprehend why im not just "over this" already. they see me complicate my life with more distractions and just assume im back to 100%. truthfully, im around 80% but the remaining 20% is still strong enough to keep me up at night wondering who would attend my funeral, if you know what im talking about.
if you dont, i envy you.
i need to get the fuck out of dodge and quick. i have been getting myself into far too much trouble. so much so that ive been scaring myself. my leash has been unlatched and this dog is tearing through everyones trash. although, ive been working on a book that has been moved up from 0% chance of seeing the light of day to 20%. its a cross between my 3rd book, 'notes from the deep end' and 'women' by bukowski, only not as misogynistic. the stories make the myspace girl story from 'a life deliberate' seem kindhearted and innocent. its the kind of book that would make half of you hate me and everyone outside of my immediate friends see me in a different light. ooh, ive got a good idea, chris... why dont you quit your stable job so you can tour, then quit touring so you can concentrate on being an idealistic teen, then alienate your audience by showing them your ugly side.
businessman of the year!
god, im the worst at making money. anyone want to buy 49% of the dxs pub co? i for real have 100 shares in a folder somewhere. you can take your 49 embossed certificates and wall paper your shed; or maybe keep a pile next to the toilet for when you need emergency toilet paper. hell, it beats dryer sheets.
speaking of 'notes from the deep end', i only printed one edition of the book at 1063 copies which sold out pretty quickly and hasnt been available for a while. so much so that some assbags think they can get away with selling copies for $131. like where do you come up with 131? who just calculates that price and what the crap is it based upon?
- yesterday i was rollerskating and i looked over at a friend and said, "you ever have one of those moments that are so surreal you feel as if you're not really living in them. its as if its all some strange and perfect dream?"
she said, "sure."
"this is one of those moments."
i took a minute to skate around by myself and look around the old and dingy rollerskating rink that i probably hadnt been inside since 1988. i remembered where i almost got into a fight, where i peed on the floor and where i had my first breakdancing battle in 1984. then i looked up and saw my moms and princess gianna on tiny little rollerskates, and my friends i grew up with, and kids i was friends with in high school, and my hot dougs dudes. all of this while skating to van-halen and old breakdance music. when i say that i literally couldnt have asked for a better day, i wouldnt be exaggerating one bit. it was so overwhelming and perfect. so thank you to everyone who came out and made my night magic.
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| suggestions? |
[Dec. 27th, 2009|02:43 am] |
comment with your favorite unsigned online writer.
someone who is compelling and can tell an amazing story and would make a good fit in the second REMNANTS style compilation book.
please provide a link to their work.
- today is the 2nd annual deadxstop publishing corporations holiday party. if you're down for the rollerskate jam, make sure to mention what you are there for otherwise you will be turned away.
- also, its doesnt get more petty than passive/aggressive twitter updates.
and i will now leave you with a picture of charlie and an empty hot dougs.
*note dougs lack of enthusiasm. |
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| the deadxstop publishing corporation welcomes: declan james greene. |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|09:41 pm] |
last year i put together a book of 21 different authors called REMNANTS. the book was my chance to expose my loyal readers to a group of amazing writers and people with wonderful stories. people ask which was my favorite and i always respond with a different story depending on my mood. but the one story that stood out while we read through the hundreds of the online submissions was one called 'cozzas story' by declan james greene. i actually met the guy in nottingham, england on one of my first tours out on that dank island and the first thing he did was give me shit about my music taste. when i got the story in my inbox i was initially a little leery because i didnt know what to expect. he was this rough looking tattoo artist who openly mocked my taste. when i finished the first thing i thought was, "fuck, this dudes story is so good its going to make my writing look terrible." but thats when i knew i had to include it in the book. i closed my laptop and became a fan of his writing that instant.
REMNANTS came out and i toured promoting the book. it was interesting to hear feedback from people who have read the stories. i love hearing which ones people like best and why. who knew the turtles story would resonate in people in australia. i never would have seen it coming but thats what i love about that book, its my compilation tape of stories. and if i had to pick one story that i continue to go back and read over and over, its cozzas story. the true story about the pseudo english vampire hunter and his quest to buy explosives. if you havent ordered the book, you can now read it here.
its been four years since i started the deadxstop publishing corporation. its been a blind struggle to not only hold a book of my own in my hand but to somehow squeeze a living out of crossed fingers and an idea. one of my biggest goals with this adventure was to eventually put out a book by someone i am a genuine fan of. in the spring of next year, the deadxstop publishing corporation will be releasing the first book of non-fiction short stories by declan james green entitled: NOTHING LOST, NOTHING BROKEN.
the stories i have read are heartbreaking to hilarious and tell an amazing story that is so incredible you might not believe it is possible for one person to endure so much. i dont think there is another person that is more excited about this book than i am simply because i might be the biggest fan of his work and i cant wait to share it with you as well.
- in other news:
if you ordered anything from me (outside of the frames) before today at noon, it is officially in the mail. all copies of DEMONSTRATIVE MONSTERS include a poster and fanzine and should be arriving on your doorstep relatively soon. please be patient with the holiday season.
- i printed 100 extra copies of deadxstop fanzine # 7, they will be included with any orders from deadxstop.com until i run out.
- i think i want to makeout with every girl.
- this sunday. the deadxstop publishing corporation rollerskate jam. 4-6pm.
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