.::cause.what.is.simple.in.the.moonlight.by.the.morning.never.is::.

its technically my birthday right now,

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 08:12:48 GMT

and i'd like to say that the many people that have already sent me birthday wishes have been amazing! and i love all of you!
it's especially nice to know that people who you don't even think would remember your birthday do.
i still have a whole rest of a day, which includes school and other possible things.
i got another tattoo tonight. it's on my wrist and i enjoy it thoroughly.
friday im going to the metro for justice's "a cross the universe" dvd screening. (i love those french boys) and then theres some dj's and stuff after. i'm also looking at a car earlier in the day, so hopefully its a good one bc it would be awesome to give myself a car as a birthday gift.
thats about it.
i'm kinda feeling good right now, aside from the soreness and bandages on my wrist that make me look like i was suicidal or something. eeps!
♥

:::i want to be in your photos from last night:::

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:26:12 GMT

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/776716423.html
yeah, suck it bc im making a bigger deal about this then i should.
so the guys from the place right off of damen want to know if i'm down for moving in. of course i said yes which means that within a few weeks i most likely will be living in the city if i get everything i need to done. yay! plus it's only a few blocks from most of the places i go to normally. thank god for convenience.
i have a lot to do yet, and i've been exceptionally lazy.
i must get on the ball.
♥

:::too many legs under the table, too many reasons for trouble:::

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 04:14:29 GMT

so im officially going to a big girl now and move out on my own.
i check a place out tomorrow. its right near division and damen and 2 boys live there. hopefully they're not killers. one of them has a dog as well so hopefully zeus will enjoy that!
if that doesn't pan out there's still other places i have to check out as well.
the whole idea of being on my own for real is kind of terrifying in a way, but more or less because of the fact that i feel as if when i leave i'm never going to have a real "home".
if you've seen garden state and remember the scene with zack braff talking to natalie portman in the pool you might understand what i mean, bc to be honest it's hard for me to put in my own words.
that's all i really have to say at the moment.
too much on my mind. too many things i need to do.

{they say if someone thinks about you enough they might show up in your dreams, or you'll randomly start thinking about them to. well i hope that's true and i haunt theirs, and i mean that in the best way possible.}

You know I'll wait forever
If I have time to
But I don't have forever
To wait for you, yeah
So when I say I want
Us to be together
Just say you want me too
And I'll be yours forever

:::No one cares when you are wrong, but I've been at this far too long:::

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 10:28:22 GMT

tonight i went to the green mill and was in a stall with one the saddest bathroom doors i've ever seen.

my sleep schedule is incredibly fucked up. i keep telling myself i'm gunna fix it, but that never seems to happen bc i end up being out till daybreak all the time anyways. im almost convinced amanda is a machine due to the fact that she does what i do, yet is productive the next day. that girl has very impressive skills. for real.
crystal castles was very enjoyable on wednesday. while waiting in line to get in with jman, i met a boy who just moved here from san francisco. he was funny. he bases how much money he makes by how many sandwiches he can buy with it. it was odd.
i kinda really enjoy going to cemeteries.
things are good, or so i'd like to think anyways.
why does everyone always have to be gone?
they're is a lot of really good music out there.
i have to sit down this week and pick out my schedule for next semester. thankfully i dont have to worry about english or math anymore bc im done with those, thank god. although now i need to get my all my science requirements done with, and those are gunna suck.
i really really want someone to post a missed connection about me just because.
{edit/after i typed that i was reading them and this is what i see: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/728104152.html HELARIOUS!!!! i really wonder who it is.}
i like how you enjoy when things remind me of you.

.Something about the midwest sun and oh
It makes me miss you more than life
Could be the trees that stand alone in the fields
They remind me every couple of miles.

to a very sexy lady....

Sat, 31 May 2008 10:14:52 GMT

happy birthday
amanda!!!!!!!
iloveyou!
you're hot!
♥
that is all i have to say.

:::Lord give me grace and dancing feet, and the power to impress:::

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 04:05:05 GMT

best compliments ive received as of late: the other day
i was called "sassy" by two different boys on different occasions.
its been my highlight of the week.

oh, this has been bothering me....why do some guys find it
to be soooo irritating that i dont drink? fuck that shit.
i do what i want. im just as fun, if not funner, then the
sloppy drunk chick standing next to me at the bar, and im better in bed.
suck on that.

...a real update may possibly be coming soon.
♥

:::February, Valentines Day, Did my best to avoid the red clichés:::

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 06:30:08 GMT

i hope everyone had a great valentine's day.
personally it had its up and downs.
im not sure how i would explain that.
nothing bad happened thats for sure.
its weird, if you really try to pay attention to all
the mood swings you go through during a day they seem
to all blend together so well....in some odd way it's wonderful.

today 3 (ugo) boys started talking to me while
i was having a cigarette at school. one of the boys asked
me if the reason girls get all dressed for valentine's
day is because they have a date later in the day, or
if it's because they're hoping that a boy will think that
they're pretty and ask them on a date.
i told him i wasnt sure, then responded that i was
wearing all black and that i look like im going to a
funeral. he asked if i was. i looked at the ground put
my cigarette out and said no. he prolly thinks im odd. good.

i cant wait till my phone is working again.
i'm beginning to despise my thoughts
when im sitting around between classes.
it sucks not having someone to discuss things
with when you're bored.

i wanna get my dance on.
i did that friday night and it
was awesome. yeah. im lame. i know.
oh, and a side note: someone who has a special place in
my heart told me that my name is on an important legal document.
while waiting to go into my math class i started thinking
about it and felt oddly flattered, because it means someone
is giving me their trust in a life or death situation.
i never felt soo special, even though it might seem kind of morbid.
thank you for trusting me.
it really does mean a lot.
♥

:::To you I'm just a confused child, insecure or in denial:::

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 01:16:24 GMT

i stole this from something and really liked it:
I’m reminded of a scene in one of my favorite movies, Harold and Maude, in which Maude has just told Harold that if she could be a flower, she’d like to be a sunflower, and asks him what kind he’d like to be. He gestures at an enormous field of daisies, and when asked why, says, “because they’re all the same.”

Maude assures him though that they’re not, showing him, and saying,

“See — some are smaller, some are fatter, some grow to the left, some to the right, some even have some petals missing — all kinds of observable differences. There is not a repeat in the bunch. Each person is different, never existed before and never to exist again. Just like this daisy — an individual.”

“I believe much of the world’s sorrow comes from people who know they are this — (she holds the daisy) — yet let themselves be treated — (she looks out at the field) — as that.”

I never wanted to be different, I just wanted to be me.

me. them.
they can make me feel small.

i wanna get some more tattoos sometime in the next 2423432 years.
thats my plan.
♥

:::I don’t even know what it's like not to go back to you:::

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:35:10 GMT

i originally stole this from nicole on myspace....
and since it took me a while i decided to just
post it on here as well bc i like it.

1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the HTML code)
4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!

The age you be on your next birthday?

A place you'd like to travel?

Your favorite place?

anywhere in the city. particularly michicgan ave.

Your favorite object?

my new camera.

Your favorite food?

Your favorite animal?

Your favorite color?

black. even though its technically a shade.

The town in which you were born?

.

The town in which you live?

Name of a past pet?

ginger.

First name of past love?

more like crush. and it is this man.

Your nickname/screen name?

Your Middle Name?

i dont have a middle name. my whole name is rosemarie. thats it.

Your last Name?

only thing i could find with the word "vasallo" on it.

A Bad habit?

smoking.

Your first Job?

:::shine on me baby, cause it's raining in my heart:::

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 06:29:08 GMT

******************************************************************
This is the place you end up when you lose the chase
Where you're dragged against your will from a basement on the hill
And all anybody knows is you're not like them
And they kick you in the head and send you back to bed
Isolation pulled you past a tunnel
To a bright world where you can make a place to stay
But everybody's scared of this place, they're staying away
Your little house on Memory Lane
The mayor's name is fear
His force patrols the pier
From a mountain of cliche
That advances every day
The doctor spoke a cloud
He rained out loud
You'll keep your doors and windows shut
And swear you'll never show a soul again
But isolation pushes you 'til every muscle aches
Down the only road it ever takes
But everybody's scared of this place, they're staying away
Your little house on Memory Lane
If it's your decision to be open about yourself
Be careful or else
Be careful or else
I'm comfortable apart
It's all written on my chart
And I take what's given me
Most cooperatively
I do what people say and lie in bed all day
Absolutely horrified
I hope you're satisfied
Isolation pushes past self-hatred, guilt, and shame
To a place where suffering is just a game
But everybody's scared of this place, they're staying away
Your little house on Memory Lane
Your little house on Memory Lane
******************************************************************

:::Nobody told you, that I could just waltz through and shake up your style:::

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:25:08 GMT

i finally finished and turned in everything for this semester. thank god!
theres things going through my head.
{a n x i e t y}
i think its the good kind...yes that is possible.
every time i think about food i feel nauseous. its weird.

I tried to tell you but I couldn’t
I wanted to warn you but I need you so bad
I mean right now, you're all I have

i cant stop listening to that song. it's sooo good.
so i was talking to some kid at school today, and he told me to check out the brian jonestown massacre.
i typically dont listen to peoples music advice, but i actually did.
i was quite pleased. it's off center, but good.
i miss something/one...
"sometimes you just have to bite the bullet"~amanda.
we shall see. no really we will.

look. im lame!!!!!!!!!!
dont look into anything too much...
thats where things get confusing.
♥

:::you wrote the name and that ancient date:::

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:04:04 GMT

my foot looks tan in the second pic. weird.
tattoos bitches.
they're still a bit swollen, and red.
they'll soon be scabbing...
and they'll look disgusting.
i hope this wednesday goes well.
i think it shall.
ilovemygirls.
twice this past week people thought i was a kid...
you gotta be fucking kidding me.
i can't stop listening to the good life. mmm.
♥

(i try not too think about it in hopes it'll stop...
it hasn't stopped and i can't stop thinking about it.)

:::this restless, reckless slow dance with reckless, restless romance:::

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 06:22:27 GMT

this is how you do sexy.
i love this bitch.

i cant get out of this emotional rut. one moment i feel feel better and then i return to the same introverted state a second later. the moments of feeling better are getting fewer and further between. i know im pushing people that i care about away. i literally can not help it right now. to those who still care: im sorry.

{note to self: remain mentally strong.}

i keep thinking im dying. i've had to stop walking the dog at night because whenever i hear the trains when im by myself it makes my anxiety rocket, and my whole dying thing is intensified.

i miss my brother. i found out 2 weeks ago that hes gunna be deployed. im scared about the fact that hes going to afghanistan at the end of december and theres nothing i can do about it. on tuesday my sociology teacher was talking about one of his past students who went to iraq. i almost started crying bc i hate the fact that my brother will have to kill somebody. they say the things you fear you manifest into your life. since i was little this was one of my fears. i dont know where it came from. its so stupid.

i pick my classes next week. thankfully theres something i can control in life.
control is good.

hopelessly hopeful.

i hate sympathy. i dont like feeling sorry for myself. life is hard for almost everyone. example: in speech some kid talked about some heart condition he had. he said it was the first time he ever talked about it to people since hes had it. the condition was named after him bc hes the first of his kind. he then went onto tell us about his life expectancy, he said his drs. said he would be lucky if he made it to 30. i dont know how he told people that without crying. it made me feel bad.

this year was the first year where i did something my whole weekend for halloween and dressed up for it. unfortunately i was mentally elsewhere and i couldnt fully enjoy it.

this mind needs to have a stop button.

♥

[pee. ess. my 22nd birthday is in less then 2 weeks.
my minds trying to come up with ideas for it.]

:::there are days in this life when you see the teeth marks of time:::

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 05:22:24 GMT

it's quite an odd feeling looking at your life condensed to just a few boxes.

my life is at a constant fork in the road. quite common though.

no sleep till missouri. aka misery.

tired...from lack of sleep and redundancy.

sometimes its good to take a step back and really see things in their true light.
(we all get figured out in the long run)

on top of my 1/2 game...sorta. congrats to me.

mostofthisisnonsensicaltoanyoneelse.

♥

:::purify the colors, purify my mind, and spread the ashes of the colors in this heart of mine:::

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 06:24:47 GMT

im starting to believe a lot of people are comprised of a bunch of bull shit bull shit bull shit.
prove me wrong.

im starting to grow a backbone.

thank you to some people that listen and are good friends, and let me sit on their couches and talk about the stupidest/best things, and go laser tagging. thank you to friends that go to the beach with me, and make fun of kids with the star of david, and little kid orgys.

i still have to upload my pictures from wisconsin. i had fun there.

my boyfriend is the sweetest cranky boy you'll ever meet. oxymoronic. yes.
wolf spider

♥

.all.of.this.pretending.makes.me.feel.a.bit.confused.

:::It's the sound of your racing heart that beats in time with every start:::

Tue, 09 May 2006 06:45:15 GMT

well...i have pictures. but their pretty much only from thursday and friday. ive figured that im better with updating with picture bc i have more incentive to after i upload all that shit.

it started off with me seeing jimmy for a lil bit. he had an eye infection from his contacts, and wouldnt take off his glasses.

after that i met up with g for her 21st birthday.
we ended up waiting forever for a table so we took pictures bc we were bored.

then we sat by the bar area...the waiter didnt card us bc he was nice, but i didnt drink so i guess it really didnt matter.

us and the waiter.

then we went so some other bar. g was fucking ridiculous, and kept spilling drinks. it was pretty entertaining to watch. but one of the most entertaining things was her talking so some fucking mexican bus boy guy, throwing his chicken, and her trying to talk in spanish for a while.

after ecountering that i left.

on friday i saw my chica for a lil bit. then i went to mikeys and alicias.

mikey kept throwing a bag at me, and it was annoying. i tried to throw it to tanya to make her get rid of it. after a few attempts, bc mikey was blocking it, she got it. she then tried suffocating him with it during a few sneak attacks.

it didnt work.

jose went around looking for batteries for the camera bc it was going to die. then he finally found some, and these pictures came about.

then i took my camera back.
jimmy and i are cute.

mikey busted out the guitar and wanted to play it while i was on the phone with bekah. it was loud so i got up and went into dead room-mates room. then alicia, walker, tanya and jose followed me bc im cool. walker decided to lay on the ground, and act dead.

then i laid on the ground to.

i made walker metal.

tanya laid on the couch and hid from cameras.

then she sat on the ground, and alicia got scared bc she thought she looked like the girl from the ring.

then some random pictures.

somehow theres a black dot in my hair.

then mikey and jimmy came in the room, and we busted out the ouija board. i said i didnt wanna do it though bc it was scary, and im a pussy. we never ended up doing it, but we did light candles around it bc it was dark, and we dont like lights.

then mikey wanted to dance to junior senior.

i sat there kinda confused.

then we prayed and jose spoke spanish.

on saturday i worked. lame. then i hung out. good.
yesterday i went to mikeys and alicias. as usual. then when i was about to go home jimmy got free passes to the circus from the gas station. then i took pictures of myself when i was home alone.

today i worked, and i was really tired and had a bad headache. it sucked.
♥

:::we're stubborn and melodramatic, a real class act:::

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 05:28:20 GMT

hmmm. the past few days have been kinda fun.
ive taken alota pictures, and i rarely ever post any...
so i guess ill do that now.

before going out on thursday i played with my doggy.

then jimmy got his haircut, and then i sat on the phone with tanya.

jimmy felt left out and wanted to show off his new hair.

later that night i saw rebbers and therese. dome!
after that tanya, jimmy, jose, and i went to joses for a bit.

friday didnt consist of much, but tanya did find her true love: OZIUM.

then i went to mickeys and alicias.
yesterday i worked and then alica got her tattoo.
the guy who gave the tattoo gave mikey and jimmy free taco bell.
today i went to something for jimmy's parents anniversary. then i met up with alicia and mikey at the laundry mat.
mikey made a barking noise at this picture when he saw it.

jimmys eye is turning pink.

alicia tried to eat mikey.

my boyfriend is cute.

bitches tried hitting me. so i gave them the rock fingers.

then while waiting for the clothes mikey and jimmy went to white hen, and alicia and i talked and smoked.

i suck at picture posts. sorry.
♥

:::Sincerity's in, So don't you sound like you mean it:::

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 07:40:31 GMT

last night i got a deep cut on my finger at work while switching clothes out for our "visual" shit. it bled everywhere. oh yeah. at work im training to be a manager. thats the fucking laugh of my life.
on saturday i went to a gay party. literally a party where i was one of the only straight people out of about 25. it was in boys town to.
i got hit on by a lesbian while waiting to use the bathroom. it was so uncomfortable bc i didnt wanna be mean to her by pushing her off, yet i wanted her to stop getting all up on me. it made jimmy mad. eventually someone got out of the bathroom, then i ran for it.
jimmy and i had our one year sunday. i love that boy. *sigh*.
i dont have many friends...and honestly, i dont really care.
...im still cooler than a lot of people.
i miss my brother sam. he comes home on the 14th. im excited.
jimmy was in disney world for his spring break. (i know, its lame) but he left me his car and i had a lot of nice chica time. i also went to a show that was very good on thursday with rebbers, and tanya met up with us. war of ages was super amazing.

we took pics in the bar at knights bc we're cool.
i dont like to talk anymore, so just make sure you have something say to me.
i hope its still raining by the time i get in bed. mmm.
♥

:::do you ever miss the sun at night or only despise it for abandoning you. it's so fucking fickle::

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 05:59:32 GMT

ive been sitting here attempting to type, but debating whether or not i should finish my cigarette first. i opted with typing bc i hate a blank screen starring back at me...or anything starring at me for that matter. it gives me the creeps.
halloween weekend: bekah and i looked hot. so did the boys. high hopes we're held. with my luck...nothing fun happened. lame, yet ever so predictable.
this weekend was pretty fun though. friday i went to the spitalfield show with jimmy, smiley(thank you for inviting me), and tanya. after that we sang fall out boy, which was quite fun, and then went to dennys. i drove like an old lady to. i cant see at night.
the next day consisted of work from 1-10. which sucked and went by slow. i hate that shift. at least i have the other girls at work to keep me company. following that i went to tanya's with j-man and dustin. then jimmy slept over...and i passed out by like 3:45, and didnt wake up for good till 1:20. woo!

i'd now like to vent about bands that tour with shitty bitches like ashlee simpson. shes lame. therefore any band touring with her will somehow end up lamer than they could ever be. i understand its great publicity, but dont people have any respect for themselves? fall out boy became huge, they never fucking toured with wannabe scene whores. so dont say "it'll help them get big" or wutever excuse you wanna send my way. they're other ways to get big without giving up your pride. do people lose all sense of self when money's thrown in their faces and lower standards, or were they always just tools to begin with? awesome.
i realize why some bands appear to sell out. this is their career/lifestyle. they put all other things on hold for making music. which i totally respect and admire. hell. i wish i could become so dedicated to something. which brings me to knowing that in order to support themselves for the long run, they're going to have to play at bigger venues, advertise...and wutever the fuck else the need to do to make money. now its when bands tour with people like ashlee simpson i dont understand. she's like a new "punker" "scener" britney spears that goes on trl and fucks a bunch of lame guys. awesome. if i were in a band i'd rather tour with a lame band like simple plan. (yes. as lame as that sounds) bc at least they know a thing or two about music, other than what their dad joe simpson tells them.

ive adopted hey chris's livejournal/website as my bible. it's weird. i seriously look up to him a ton. im such a lurker. fuck. i also partake as being one the creeps that reads pete wentz's old lj. word.
i really really wanna see underoath on sunday...for my birthday. mmm. sextacular.
with that in mind: MY 20TH BIRTHDAY IS ON SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!! OHKAY BITCHES! DONT FORGET!
daphne loves derby: november 17th....i think. well whatever day it is...i wanna go.
.imagineacorpsethatisboredwithitsownfuneral.thisisme.
♥

:::this one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption:::

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 06:44:27 GMT

i get to sleep in tomorrow...and im currently in the mood to update my lj....weird.
work is going pretty well. im warming up to the girls. i thought they were all nice from the beginning, but im kinda shy when im thrown into a group of people that all know each other, and im the odd one out. i guess you could say, im not myself at work...but then again they pay me to not yell "WOO COLLEGE! SHOW ME YOUR TITS!" to customers. i guess that comes with the territory of having to act semi-professional.
i get paid friday. thank god for that. im dead broke...its sick. i hate having to live from pay check to pay check...and the fact that financially my life at home isnt good either.
i wish i could stop growing up. right now. *closes eyes, crosses fingers, and wishes*.
halloween weekend is 2 days away. yay! im excited for that. hopefully i actually find something to do.
today is jimmy and i's 7 month. *big smile*. ilovehimwithallmyheart.
so one of my managers, anehi, knows a huge tool bag i used to date, bc she used to date one of the guys that was in his band. im glad the lamest kids alive know how to stick together. not.
i meet a lot of random/weird people during my breaks at work. i also find myself smile whenever i see families that appear to be happy walk by. i dont know why.
my 20th bday is in technically 19 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! remember that kids.
i want a fake id so that i can pretend im cool like everyone else who has one. wait...what?
why is jose dead and not around lately? huh?!?!?!?!?!?
im sick of writing about myself bc my life is boring.
mebe if i join a gang or a cult, or something, it'll get cooler.

good night.
[pee. ess. could someone please explain to me why the fuck my neighbors below me put their annoying fucking dog that barks at anything, including the wind, outside at 6:20 in the morning? its not that they let it out that bothers me, they need to let it out. its the fact that they leave it out there for at least 25 minutes. i swear one day im gunna kill that dumb bitch that lives below me for being an inconsiderate whore. it's not like she does it at 10 in the morning...i could deal with that. i had an hour more to sleep before work this morning when that dog woke me up...but no i couldnt sleep bc she has to be cunt. fuck you ug-o neighbor.]
[/end rant]
♥

:::I wanna see it when you get stoned on a cloudy breezy desert afternoon:::

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 06:33:38 GMT

i constantly feel compelled to update this bitch, but i usually just end up calling bekah or jimmy at those moments, and then when i finally do update...i forgot everything i wanted to say. *thinks to self*.
anywho. work has been ohkay. the girls are nice. my only problem with work is that i have to wear high heels everyday, and it kills my feet. i was seriously gunna throw up from pain last night right before closing bc my feet were hurting so much. so i took off my shoes for a moment and realized that my toes were all red and swollen, and my right pinky toe was purple. how pretty. not. i guess thats what i get for scrunching my toes into pumps for 6 hours. fuck you stupid dress code/rule. the other day i worked from 9 to 5 so i just wore flats. it was magnificent for my poor feet.
yesterday at work some older lady came in and i helped her find a purse, and i was looking at clothes with her. she was really nice. when she was about to leave the store she asked for my name, and she asked who the manager was, and then she yelled to amanda that "i was a great assest to the company, and wonderful employee" and some other stuff of that nature. i felt special, but embarrassed.
now for non-work talk. yesssss!
on sunday bekah and i went on our date for the mjp. it was fun. the boy was nice/not a creeper, and was one of the co-owners of el ray. so thats where our "date" took place. it was trippy man!!! jk.
tonight jimmy and i made cookies. they tasted good. then we watched sex and the city. yay!
on saturday bekah, jimmy, therese, jose, and mebe tanya and durfwins are prolly going to six flags. woo!
i still must get my senses fail/saves the day/early november ticket. *mmm. orgasmic*
ive recently been listening to a lot of the anniversary. why'd they have to break up?!?!?!
...things are getting better.
♥

:::We are the fairy tale that failed and i constantly keep reading it:::

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 06:31:17 GMT

mmm. updatage. i always feel like when i do update im not in the mood, so i never have really anything interesting to type for your pretty eyes to read. lame. i know.
friday was pretty funny. jimmy, tanya, and i went to cuba rd. (we wanted to relive hs. ohkay.). it ends up a cop is driving behind us, and one of her lights is out. so he pulls her over. looks up her shit, and she finds out her license is suspended. awesome, only not. she gets arrested. jimmy bailed her out. so it ended up not horrible. she left laughing, but if i were her i woulda left pissed off/worried.
yesterday. i hung out with chicma. jasery. tanya. jimmy. and dustin. it was pretty ohkay. nothing interesting happened. quite honestly it didnt even really feel like a weekend night.
i guess im not in school again this semester due to personal financial problems at home which in turn affect me not getting a car for transportation for a bit. *lameage to the max*.
im disgusted with myself lately. during dinner the other day with jman i seriously felt like i should throw in the towel and "clean my room for the last time"...well not really. but i did hate myself. and no cutting involved. thanks. i like my non scarred(sp?) skin.

confession: i sometimes miss always crying myself to sleep.
confession: somethings my friends say hurt my feelings, but i never let them know. (im actually a huge pussy.)
confession: i hold back my opinions a lot more than people think in order to not hurt their feelings.
confession: out of all my close/best friends not one of them knows everything, or even almost everything about me.
confession: i dont let anyone know everything about me in order to protect myself from getting hurt.
confession: i wish that i didnt put so many walls up with the people i love.
confession: i wish that i felt/was told that my father loved me (by him), and im jealous of people that are close with their fathers bc i never had that.
confession: i wish i had a talent i was good at.
confession: im somewhat obsessive compulsive, and i like to do things that involve the number 3 and 7.
confession: i get anxiety a lot.
confession: there have been one or two times where i faked having cramps bc i just wanted to go home and be alone, and not everyone understands that.
confession: i think im hard to live with.
confession: i hate when people put themselves in stupid situations over and over again.
confession: i dont think my mom knows even a quarter of how much i appreciate and love her.
confession: i miss the end of my senior year, and all the time i spent with bekah.
confession: im too fucking over-analytical of everything.
confession: when i have nothing to worry about ill think of something that i should worry about just so i feel comfortable.
confession: i hate when people hold out info. and then play it off as though you're the first to know.
confession: i hate when people try to relive their past. i think its ohkay to miss things, but dont relive your experiences. they are in your past for a reason. so you learn from them. and leave them at that.
confession: i miss last fall with bekah and the funny kids.
confession: i miss feeling skinny again.
confession: im think im addicted to sleeping pills and cant remember a night when i didnt take them for the at least the last two years.
confession: i think im gunna die within the next few years.
confession: i dont hate anyone.
confession: commercials make me cry.
confession: proposals/weddings dont make me cry bc they're so "happy" or wutever. they make me cry bc im scared that no man can ever love me enough to make that sort of commitment.
confession: for some reason (i dunno wut it is) i doubt ill be able to have kids one day, and i wish i could.
confession: i think out loud all the time. and no. its not talking to myself.
confession: i dont like when people lie in an intimate relationship (ie. bf/gf situations), and i dont partake in it.
confession: im disappointed with myself all the time.
confession: im super insecure.
confession: i think the reason that i dont make goals is bc i dont want to fail and let myself down.
confession: i like to be the center of attention, and get somewhat jealous when im not (not as much lately though.)
confession: i wish i wasnt soo moody.
confession: this is prolly the most info ive ever leaked about myself in one sitting.
confession: im my hugest critic and my biggest fan.

...i thought id follow the crowd with those confessions. yeah. hotties.

stolen from www.askheychris.com bc i thoroughly enjoyed his insight on this topic:
"hey chris, why am i such a moron at relationships?

Immaturity is the act of compromising yourself in an unhealthy relationship.

This isn't rocket science and for damn sure isn't a new revelation.
Such a simple concept yet how many people do we know constantly repeat the cycle of, "man, why do my friends only go for crazy motherfucking girls?"
This leads to a few conclusions; either A, our friends are not as intelligent as we would like to think, or B, our friends are just as emotionally fucked as the people they are dating.
(because who you date is a direct reflection of who you are, what you find attractive, what you find acceptable, what you're willing to put up with and what you're willing to be subjected to)

Maybe its you that I'm talking about. Maybe you are the moron who continually makes excuses for your boy/girlfriend. Maybe its you that perpetuates this cycle that continues to let shitheads go unchallenged. Maybe its you that secretly knows that this person isn't worth your love yet you continually chase after that one night he kissed you goodnight under streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a livejournal post about, "how amazing and perfect he is."
But he'll never kiss you like that again, and despite all attempts of re-living that night, he will perpetually disappoint. Because that night, despite all good judgment, you idealized. You see these people as the end all be all of love, when in reality, we are simply smelly and flawed boy and girls. We refuse to see faults and flaws when most of us are smart enough to know that no one comes wrapped in a little yellow bow and that none of us shit strawberry ice cream.

So why do we continually fall for the same shitty boy and the shitty girl rouse?
Well, that butterfly feeling in your stomach is your worst enemy. That is the feeling love makes when its storming the castle wall of common sense. That's what it feels like when someones smile has gotten the best of you and conned you into thinking that he/she is everything you've ever wanted. And that's where we go wrong, because that's when we believe that someone can 'complete' us.

True love is when we complete ourselves, anything less is giving in, trading down and selling out.
True love is when we are mature enough to say, "No. No thank you," to someone who, despite how they glow under the moonlight, forgets to call the next day. (Ps. No one ever really 'forgets', its just a sign that they don't care as much as you would like to think they do). To say, "No, fuck you," to the cute little rebel boy who continues to string you along and break your heart.
True love is knowing who, not only genuinely deserves, but is willing and excited to treat our love in a manner in which it deserves.
True love is not giving time to shitty boys and shitty girls because we know we are better than that.
True love is knowing the difference between someone completing us and someone 'complimenting' us.

True love is someone who will not eclipse our glow, only enhance it."

although his opinion may seem a bit brutal for some people, i still liked it.
im glad none of it pertains to me though. my bf is amazing to me, and i love him. thank you.
i have nothing more to say.
♥

:::From the words that carve our lives to the words that take us by surprise:::

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 07:28:54 GMT

i never update. so suck it.
bekahs surprise birthday party went well...im really glad that she was happy.
yesterday we went to go get her tattoo. one of the guys working there looked like adam lazzara, and he told patrick that he "trips him out"...something like that. it was funny.
aside from getting bekahs tattoo yesterday her, jimmy, patrick, jose and i went to 2 sex shops. *mmm. horny kids*. some people are into really fucked up shit. weirdos.
jimmy and i took part in dinner and a movie tonight. it was really nice.
i hope my best friend does well when her best friend leaves. its weird how when you hang out with a person all the time you almost end up feeling their emotions. i keep getting anxious bc her friend is leaving, and im scared that shes gunna get really upset. i dont want that friend to leave for school. i wish that i wasnt selfish...its not soo much myself being selfish. its more or less that i dont want my friend to cry.
speaking of people leaving. i dont want any of my friends to go back to school. *tear*.
ive had a lot of fun the past few weeks. which makes me smile a lot. this summer has been quite an amazing one. im thankful for that.
the pretty girls make graves/kill me tomorrow show is on friday. so hot.
i dont like when people have mood swings. anything that can make me more emotional than i already am is not good. so i want people to stop having them. *wishes*.
speaking of those. jimmy had one the other day while we were on the phone. i guess he had a little too much drinky drinky...he ended up at nicoles with 2 dozen roses for me bc i was there and he felt bad. *swoons*. i love him.
i wanna go downtown. asap. people please accompany me. thanks.
i figured out the tattoos i want. they'll all most likely end up being about the size of a quarter. some people would say thats a waste. i just dont want a buncha stuff on my body. im a girl.
i really wanna go shopping soon. i feel lame for just having said that.

everyone should go and rock an awesome boom box.
♥
.One.day.I'll.fail.to.breathe.and.all.you'll.have.are.memories.

:::Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's so fitting, so fitting of the way you are:::

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 07:34:34 GMT

yesterday was my grandmas wedding reception. wuts up open bar? i spilled a bit of my cosmopolitan on my dress. it pissed me off cause it was really good, and i liked my dress. my mom said i looked like a "women". following spilling on myself i danced to abba with my mom bc we heard it blaring from another wedding in another room. it was hot.
after that jimmy and i saw willy wonka...it was pretty good. i found myself wanting all of willy's sunglasses, and being pissed off bc all the oompa loompas were the same guy.
today i went to a casino with tanya, her brother, his gf, and jimmy...i didnt go near the gambling part obviously. we just ate there, and jimmy didnt gamble. i dunno why.
i really miss puppy bc jimmy has it till tuesday due to having the carpets cleaned tomorrow. i cried when the puppy left tonight. jimmy retorted to that with: "i wish you cried like that when i left." which in turn made me laugh. that dog is like a child to me now. weird. i know.

i think im way to vain, and somewhat in love with myself at times. is that wrong? no.
emanuel/circa survive on wednesday. warped tour this saturday. and laguna beach's new season: NEXT MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! im soo excited for that. i dunno why. i love it.
last weekend bekah, jimmy, patrick, mikey, alicia, and i played "guess who's touching you" in the dark. it kept us entertained. everyone should play it. so go do it right now.
i also dressed up like a cheerleader with bekah last weekend for the mjp. watch it!
i dont really remember whats happened since i last updated. hrm. *thinks to self*.
i do know that the whole me being over-emotional thing is still taking place. i should prolly stop lamenting over nothing, and stop feeling sorry for myself. gosh rose.
i like going downtown, and try to do it at least once a week. operative word: try.
i like it when my boyfriend smells good. it's hot. i also like him in suits like last night.
my computer is a piece of shit and has not been working lately...like wont even go on.

♥

:::I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes:::

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 06:06:21 GMT

wuts up it's been forever since i last updated. not much has happened.
i do have the cutest puppy ever now. jimmy and i share it and its lovely.

i had a very nice 4th of july weekend. i went to navy pier yesterday with jimmy, tanya, and jose. after the fireworks we went on the ferris wheel. yeah. i most definitely freaked out. it was scary and i wanted to cry. lame. i dunno why i freaked out the way i did, but it sucked.

♥tanya and i yesterday♥
i got to spend some nice time with rebbers this weekend. we filmed yesterday with patrick for the mjp. we had to shave some fat guys head. bekah and i thought it was gross. i had fun with her though. the other days i met up with her at sns, and the next day we went to frontier days and ihop with all the boys. the bill was quite exquisite. the carnival at melas park didnt smell good and had a lot of minorities.

♥bekah and i on saturday♥
all in all things have been ohkay lately. the beginning of the week really kinda sucked. im not gunna discuss why though.
and a thing thats been bothering me is that lately everything makes me wanna cry. its lame. like honestly, i was watching trading spouses today, and it made me cry. wow rose.
for some odd reason i feel like throwing up right now and i dont like it one bit.
♥